it's not easy being 23

i think i thought i'd be different
more together
i thought i'd know how to do my taxes all by myself
and that I'd never not return a phone call
i thought everything would be easier
because i was "grown up," whatever that means
i thought my life would be moving in a clear direction
that i would know why it is that i exist
i thought i'd know how to french braid my own hair
and that boldness and courage would come naturally
i thought the darkness would no longer inspire fear
and that i'd be over the phase of eating cereal for dinner
i thought i'd know what i believe
and have a solid faith to rely on
i thought letting God be in control would be easy
i thought i'd know how to articulate my feelings
and let people in to my life without reserve
i thought my insecurities would be obsolete
and that loneliness would be a thing of the past

and yet here i am, 23 and so often feeling like a small child
lost in the grocery store, searching for the face of my mom
i still call my dad with money questions
i still wish my mom could just tell me what i should do
i thought i'd wake up one day knowing how to be an adult
maybe after high school, then college, now post college
and now i'm 23, still figuring it all out

i know that is the beauty of it all
life lies not in plans but in spontaneity
not in the end result but in the sum of moments
life exists not in the clear direction but in the getting lost
not with a script but with an always changing stage
the most life comes out of chaos, out of change,
out of disappointment and risk and the unknown
maybe not one person has it figured out
we are all just pretending
and sometimes that is all we can do to keep our feet under us
pretend, risk, experiment, fail, learn, pretend again

and still, it's not easy being 23
then again, maybe it's not "23"
maybe it's just life
and i think i may be ok with that